


Stick Thin

by robertttsugden



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Eating Disorder, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-09
Updated: 2018-02-04
Packaged: 2018-07-22 13:32:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 7,664
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7441108
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/robertttsugden/pseuds/robertttsugden
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Robert becomes seriously ill with an eating disorder, will he be able to pull through with the help of his loved ones ?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys! So this is my very first fanfiction so I do apologise for my bad writing and any spelling mistakes or anything.

I'm sat in the back of the woolpack , which is where I spend most of my time these days, watching my boyfriend sit and eat a massive slice of a corn beef pie. I feel a pang of hunger in my stomach but I know I can't eat anything for another few hours as I've just had a tuna sandwich for my dinner. Trying to loose weight isn't as easy as I thought it would be, but I need to do it. If only I could ve naturally skinny. It really would make my life quite a lot easier. 

"I'm going to go up the the scrapyard and sort out some paperwork, you gonna be fine if I leave you for a few hours?" Says Aaron in his smooth voice as he stands up and puts his now empty plate in the sink.

" Yeah of course I'll be fine, you go sort out whatever it is you need to do." I reply to him with a slightly annoyed tone in my voice. I barely spend any time with Aaron as it is with him always looking after that little brat of a sister of his and now he's leaving me to go to work even though today is a day off for him, It's like I never see him anymore but I know I can't say anything because Aarons the kind of person who likes to pick arguments and he's not exactly the most forgiving person.

"Okay well I best be off then, I'll see you later yeah?"

"Yeah, be careful."

"Of course I will ya daft softie" He replies laughing. I don't think he realises how much I actually care for him. How much love I have for him. How I would do anything humanly possible just to help him.

"I'm just trying to look after you, but okay then. You go ahead and have fun doing your paperwork." And with that he walks out the room to the front of the pub and I'm left all on my own. 

I wait a few minutes before I do anything. Liv is at school, well at least she's meant to be but knowing her she's probably off skiving. Noah's also at school. Chas and Charity are working at the bar and Aarons off up the scrapyard. So there's just me mysel and I. I stand up and slowly walk over to the back door and walk out. I set off to go to Victoria and Adams house.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Robert starts to become more self conscious about his body , will he go to extreme measures in an attempt to loose weight ?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! Thank you all so much for all of you who have read my first chapter, I did intend on it being longer but I accidentally posted without writing the last part so I will be adding that onto this chapter and making it longer and from now on it should stay around this length, enjoy!

As I get to their house I repeatedly knock on the door to see if anyone is in, after a few attempts I realise there is no one home so I get out the spare key I still keep from when I lived here and open the door then walk in.

I walk around the small but cosy house making sure there definitely isn't anyone here who was just ignoring me at the door. When I know for certain the coast is clear I make my way upstairs and straight into their bedroom. I know for a fact that Victoria will have a full length mirror in here because that's just what she's like. I take a deep breath and have a good long look at myself. I begin to realise exactly how unhappy I am with my body. I mean, I have always been one for eating healthy and working out every now and then but this is different. When I look at myself all I see is how fat I am. When I'm walking down the village all I seem to notice about people is how skinny they all are compared to me.

I lift up my shirt and stare at my stomach. The first thing I notice is that disgusting scar I will have for life thanksto that idiot Ross Barton when he shot me, but after that the thing I notice is how I don't have any abs or any anything like that like most guys do. I just have a load of fat. It's not fair, all I want it to be skinny. Is that too much to ask?!

This diet I'm on is hard, and I mean hard. I'm practically starving myself if I'm being honest, but if that's what it takes to actually loose some weight then so be it. Taking one last look I pull my shirt back down and I walk out of the room. There's no reason for me to be here really, but I don't go. Instead I walk into the bathroom and lock the door. I'm not sure why I lock it because there isn't anyone else in the house but I do anyway. I know there are other ways of loosing weight, more dangerous ways but I don't know if I could bring myself to do that. I mean, could I really be that selfish and make everything all about me when other people need my help. That's all I seem to be there for, helping people. No one would ever care about my problems. No one cared that I was struggling to accept who I was last year, all that they cared about was that I had cheated on poor little innocent Chrissie and broke her heart. No one cared that my dad hated my guts and preferred my adopted brother over his real son. No one cared that someone had tried to kill me, they only cared about what I'd done to deserve that. I bet some people were even wishing that I had died them. Sometimes I wish that too.

Suddenly I hear the door creak open and I snap out of my thoughts. Not knowing what to do, I quietly unlock the door and try to walk down the stairs making as little noise as possible. Unfortunately for me, that doesn't work.

"Robert?! What the hell are you doing here!" Shouts a clearly startled Victoria.

 

" Sorry Vic, I was.. I was just looking for something. But it doesn't matter now I remember I left it at the woolpack." I reply quickly, making the words up from the top of my head.

"Oh okay then. You almost gave me a heart attack you know! Are you okay? You look a bit... I don't know.. tired" She replies with concern in her voice.

"Um.. yeah yeah I'm fine. Just didn't get much sleep last night. I'm fine" I quickly mumble out.

"Right, well you make sure you get enough rest tonight then."

"Yeah I will. I best be off then. I'll see you later" I say as I quickly walk over to the door, trying to get out as fast as I possible can.

"Bye Rob" I hear her shout in the distance but I don't reply as I walk out the house. Annoyed at myself for almost getting caught, I go back up the woolpack. I check my phone to see if I have any texts from Aaron, but as I guessed there's none. I sigh and walk through the back door of the pub. Checking for any sign of anyone being here, I walk up the stairs once I'm certain I'm alone.

I make my way into the bathroom and take one last look at myself in the mirror and I notice on my face how chubby it is.  
I wish that I had cheekbones like everyone else seems to have apart from me. That's when I decide that I need to do more than just diet to loose weight. I need to try harder. With that I turn around and go and kneel down Infront of the toilet and I stick my fingers down my throat until I throw up. Then I do it again and again and again. I do it until there's  
nothing else there to throw up. Slightly shaking, I stand up and flush the toilet, wash my hands and sink down to the floor with my back leaning against the wall and I burst into floods of tears.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert starts to cut down the amount of food he eats more and more until he is practically starving himself. When someone starts to notice Roberts weight loss, will they realise that this is more than just a healthy diet ?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd just like to thank you all for all the positive feedback I've had from this fic! If any of you have any suggestions or notice any mistakes please feel free to comment and tell me about it and I will work on it for next time. Enjoy ! X

It has been two days since I made myself sick, and I seem to be doing pretty good in the terms of my weight loss. My overall aim is to drop about three stone, but when I reach that if its not good enough it will have to be more. Which means more dieting and more feeling like shit about myself, although I don't mind the dieting part. I do get the occasional craving for something sugary or sweet but I've learnt to get that under control now. I haven't been able to bring myself to check what weight I am. I'm scared of how bad it's going to be and how disgusting it will make me feel. 

So far I've managed to refrain myself from eating anything apart from one box of salad in the past two days. No one seems to have noticed my lack of eating. Or maybe they have. Maybe they've noticed that I'm trying to diet and they've not said anything because they think it's for the best I loose some weight.

I sit, totally lost in my thoughts until I suddenly snap out of them as I hear the annoying voice of my younger sister.

"Robert!" She practically shouts at me.

"What!?" I reply, not in the mood for a lecture from her.

"Have you had any dinner yet?" 

Panicking, thinking that she's realised I'm not eating, I reply "Um yeah, yeah I have. Why?" 

"Oh just because me and Andy are going out for food and we were just wondering if you wanted to come along with us, but if you've already ate it doesn't matter."

I feel relieved when I hear her say that but also guilty at the same time. I guess I could always go with them and try to find something small and healthy to eat, and if that fails I have the back up option of throwing it back up. "I only had half a sandwich actually, so I'll go with you then."

With delight in her voice she replies. "Great! Meet me at my house in ten minutes, and promise me you won't start any arguments with Andy. Okay?"

"Yes okay, I won't start any arguments with him. But if he starts one with me don't expect me not to bite back." I do love my brother deep down, but sometimes I just can't help but snap at him. I mean, he tried to get me killed for gods sake!

"Good, I'll see you then" And with that she walks out of the room. I go upstairs to go and get changed and whilst doing so I begin to notice that my clothes don't fit me as tightly as they used too. They're not completely baggy and look massive on me but they're slightly loose. This is a good thing, it means that it's working. So all I've got to do is keep this up. I put on a used to be skin tight shirt that is now loose on me and a pair of baggy jeans and I walk out the back door and down to Victoria's house.

I see Andy and Vic stood outside waiting for me.

"Finally ! You literally take forever getting changed you do." Points out Vic. Andy glares me up and down and then gives a funny look. I'm not sure what this is for but I'm pretty sure it's not because of my weight loss or anything. I mean, I can't have lost that much. 

"Sorry, I didn't know what to wear." I quickly say. God, how stupid do I sound.

"Yeah obviously" She replies and with that the taxi pulls up ready to take us. We all pile into the taxi. Me being sat at one side squished up next to Andy. 

The taxi arrives at the restaurant and we all get out. Vic stays behind to pay the driver and Andy drags me ahead.

"Robert what's going on with you ?" He asks, concern in his voice.

"What? There's nothing going on with me, I don't know what your on about!"

"I've barely seen you out in the village these past few days.Plus you've obviously lost weight. There's something not right."

Shit. He knows I've lost weight. What if he's figured out what's going on? "I haven't lost weight, it's just this shirt. I think I stretched it somehow. I'm fine, I promise." But this was all lies. Deep down I know I'm not fine.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert tries to prove Andy wrong, but is there someone else who has noticed Roberts unhealthy habit ?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all! I am so sorry about the late upload of this chapter, I have been dealing with a few problems at home so therefor I have not had the time to write. I hope this chapter makes up for the wait ! X :)

"Fine, whatever you say, but I'll be keeping an eye on you." Andy exclaims as Victoria catches up too the both of us.

"You two haven't been arguing again have you? Honestly it's like having two 5 year olds, you don't stop." She points out and with that Andy gives a slight shrug of the shoulders and glares at me once more before walking off into the restaurant. Vic walks in after him and I sheepishly follow behind her . Almost instantly we get allocated to our table. Of course because there's only three of us we get placed on a stupid circle table which then means that I have no other choice but to sit next to Andy.

I try to avoid talking to him as much and I can but that doesn't really work, with Vic being the person she is she tries to get all of us to talk as much as we can, and then when I ignore her she starts having a go calling me arrogant and rude so I have no other choice apart from join in or else I'd be publicly embarrassed infront of this whole restaurant by one of her stupid outbursts. 

Finally our food arrives, Andy has ordered a gigantic lasagne and Vic has ordered a large bowl of spaghetti bolognese. And what did I order ? Well there was 'nothing on the menu that I fancied' so I ended up ordering a tomato salad as a side to go with Vics meal and then taking it for myself. I know I shouldn't be eating a full bowl of salad but I guess it can't do much harm, plus it's not as if it's a massive pizza I'm having, it's a salad. Salads are good and healthy so it's okay, just this once.

As I slowly pick my way through the salad, I notice that in the time it's took me to eat half a bowl of leaves and tomatoes my brother has managed to eat a whole lasagne. How is that even possible? I take this as an opportunity to leave my food because I don't really want to hold everyone up. 

" I think I'll just leave the rest of this , I don't want to be holding you two up plus it's not exactly the nicest salad I've had in my time so I guess you can go get the bill now."

" You've not ate much robert, are you sure you don't want anymore ? or at least have a desert ?" Asks my sister with that innocent tone to her voice that will make you feel guilty for saying no to her, but it's not like i have any other choice is it.

" I've just got a bit of a cold, nothing to worry about but my throats bloody killing so i'll just leave it but thanks for the offer, i'll see you both later." and with that a leave a tenner on the table and hurry out of there as fast as i possibly can.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron starts to worry over his struggling boyfriend as Andy warns him to keep an eye on him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyoooo so it's been like 8 months since I last updated I am so sorry but I'm back again with a new chapter , which will probably be as bad as the rest of the story but hey ho this is my first fanfic so. As always comments and feedback are much appreciated, thanks guys x

My heart racing out of my chest i storm out the back of the pub and I run. I run as far as my disgustingly fat legs will take me. It doesn't take me long to get out of breathe , due to how unhealthy I am. It fucking feels as if I'm having a heart attack. As black dots start to flash across my vision I have to sit down resting myself on a tree. Is this what your life has come to? Running to get away from your family and your boyfriend and you end up slumped against a tree in the middle of god knows where trying to catch your breathe. Nice one Robert. You really would make your father proud wouldn't you. 

Andy POV

The moment he ran out of the restaurant was when I knew something was wrong. I had my suspicions sat next to him in the taxi but I thought maybe it's just stress with work and all that , that he's just lost a bit of weight due to that and he'd be fine once he pulled himself together. Because Roberts always fine isn't he ? He's the strong one, as if Robert would be ill. He was just over reacting.

Then when we were sat down in the restaurant and he just ordered a salad. Who goes to a restaurant just to order a salad? But then again Robert was always going for healthy options and let's be honest nothing else on the menu was exactly healthy. He was just being normal Robert. 

Then our food arrived. I've never been one to pick on with my food but I wouldn't say I ever wolf it down, which is why I was suspicious when Robert had barely eaten half of his bloody tomato salad by the time I'd finished my whole meal. Also he noticed that every single leaf had been cut up into small pieces. Who the fuck cuts their salad leaves up ? Suddenly I was snapped out of my thoughts when Robert stated that he'd just leave the salad because he ' didn't want to hold us up '. Excuse. He left the salad because he didn't want to eat and I knew it. It was the tip of the iceberg when Vic told him to eat more or to at least get a second course and that was it, he threw his money on the table and I've never seen him run so fast in my life. That was when I knew my brother had an eating disorder and I had to do something about it. If I didn't he was going to end up killing himself.

I hang around the back of the pub waiting for Robert to leave to go out for a walk I was assuming but then I see him run out. Since when has Robert ever gone running ? Keeping that thought in mind I walk in and go up behind Aaron , startling him a bit. 

" Aaron , I need to speak to you in private " I say , a tone of concern in my voice.

"Erm yeah mate that's fine" He closes the door that leads through to the back room and I'm guessing there's no one upstairs so there's just us alone next to the stair case.

"Look I know this sounds crazy but just hear me out, I think there's something wrong with Robert, as in I think he's ill "

" Ill? What kind of ill. " A clearly confused Aaron replies with.

" I.. i think he'd anorexic Aaron. Have you not noticed he's lost weight? And, and he's not eating. Since when did Robert go on runs! " I practically scream in his face to show him how serious I am about this.

"Robert , anorexic ? Come on Andy don't you think that's a bit far, yeah he has lost weight but isn't he just eating healthy or something..?"

"Aaron we went out for a meal today and do you want to know what he ordered? A fucking salad. And that's not the worst part, he hardly fucking eat half of it! There's something not right with him and if we don't do something, well he could die" as much as it hurts me to say the last part I know I have to, it's the truth and that's that.

"W..well I..fuck.. I don't know what to say, we have to find him, confront him about it. Maybe he'll talk" 

Robert talk? Roberts probably the best person I know for bottling things up , which isn't something to be proud of. But I guess if there's me and Aaron there's a slight chance it could work, and that's all they had right now.

Roberts POV 

Managing to pull myself together I stand up , suddenly feeling really faint again and having to sit back down. I feel a treacle of blood pour down my face and realise my nose is bleeding. Am I dying? If so then to be honest I'm pretty glad. I mean this is pretty peaceful. Who even wants me alive anyway ?


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As robert continues to get worse and worse , how will this affect his relationships with others ?

I rush home as quick as i possibly can making sure that there's no way that andy can catch up to me, i cannot be arsed for another one of his fucking interrogations , who does he think he is ? He can't just go accusing me of stuff like that. Of course i don't have a eating disorder, how can someone as fat as me have a bloody eating disorder ? It's impossible! I'm a fat worthless idiot who eats to much and that's it. I wonder why Aaron is even with me because i mean i'm not decent looking am i. I'm not a remotely nice person so it can't be that. You know what i bet he's with me for the money, there's no other reason. Talking of Aaron as i get into the house i notice him sitting down on the sofa watching the television, i should probably go and say hi to him but i really don't want to talk to anyone right now, i don't deserve to, he won't want to talk to me anyway. What i need to do is isolate myself off from the world and just keep to myself. That's what i get for being so fat, this is my punishment.

I walk over to the staircase and suddenly i feel two hands go around my stomach. I immediately turn around and shove them off and come face to face with Aaron. What the fuck can i do now ? He' will have realised how fat i am if he hadn't already. I need to bloody explain myself as well now don't i. 

" Babe.. I'm sorry. I'm just a bit jumpy i almost had a car accident driving home from work so." Driving home from work? Why did you say that Robert you idiot! You weren't at work and he probably knows that. Well done you fucking twat. 

"Oh my god are you okay ? What happened ?" The hurt in Aaron's voice physically hurts me. I'm lying to my own boyfriend and it's hurting the poor lad. He's way better off without me. 

" Just um.. someone pulled out when they shouldn't have but it's okay, it's all good. Look i'm just going to go and get changed and then go out for a run and then i need to stay out at Andys tonight if that's okay ? He's not in a good state of mind today so i thought that i better go stay with him just to make sure it's all okay." Okay i said the truth about the going on a run part so at least i'm being truthful about something yeah? I know i did lie about going to Andys, hell, if i was going to stay at anyone's house he'd be the last on my list.. wait robert why the fuck are you talking to yourself inside your head , you really are going insane aren't you.

I just hear Aaron say the end of something but i don't catch on and i realise that he's been talking to me while i've been stood here talking to myself like the freak i am. " Sorry what was that ? I didn't quite hear what you said Aaron''

He lets out a deep sigh and replies " It doesn't matter mate , just make sure Andys okay ." and with that he walks into the living room and through to the bar. You've fucked up again robert you idiot. At this rate you'll have no one left. May as well be better off dead you worthless piece of shit.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roberts mental state starts to deteriorate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright so hi guys, it's been a while.  
> I'm incredibly sorry for how long I've been taking to update, I'm currently in the middle of exams and I haven't really had the time to update but I've found myself with a night spare for once so I've decided to update.  
> As for updates from here forward, I finish my exams this Monday and I'm deciding to give myself a week off revising after them so there is a possibility of an update then, but if not then I can promise you one by Christmas after this.  
> Also I've been thinking of trying to write some longer chapters and I'm going to be testing it out for this chapter so let me know what you think in the comments section!
> 
> Much love.

Fuck.

Fuck fuck fuck.

_Well done Robert, you've messed up again. Did you see the way he spoke to you, he's in a god awful mood, and who's fault is that? It's yours, as per fucking usual. I bet Andy hates you too you were such a cunt to him, and Vic too. In fact does anyone even like you? I sure don't think anyone does. It's all because you're so fat. You're so fat and you're so ugly and awful everyone hates you, everyone despises you, everyone would be better off without you, everyone wants you dead. That's a good idea actually isn't it, you being dead. Sure would make everyones lives a hell of a lot easier._

I hold my hands tightly over my ears trying to make him stop, I don't know who he is or what he wants but I just want him to stop talking to me. I know he's lying but I can't help but think there's some truth behind it, I mean there's got to be. People don't just make that up out of the blue do they. No. No they don't. The noise of my phone going off sends my heart racing, checking it is see that it's a text from Andy:

'Meet me round the back of the pub in 10, we need to talk.'

For gods sake. Why won't he stay out of my business, I'm not even ill? I swear he's just paranoid. Deciding not to reply I turn my phone off, distancing myself from the world.

For the first time in a good few minutes I look up to actually take in my surroundings. Where am I? How did I get here? I frankly have no clue what the answers to them questions are and I don't want to know them either. I must've ran here or something after the fight.

_What fight? You're over reacting as usual, it wasn't a fight, wasn't even a little lovers quarrel. It was just you being the self centred person you always are. It's always poor Robert isn't it? It's always always always someone else in the wrong, it's never you is it. No, no it's not because you always have to have a pity party don't you ? Because you can never be in the wrong but guess what, you are. You always are but you just annoy the living hell out of everyone so fucking much they don't say anything Robert, because they don't want to talk to you, they don't even want to be around you. Ever wondered why you're always so lonely eh?_

"SHUT UP!" I scream at the top of my lungs, so loud it burns. Why won't he shut up! I don't want him here, because I know he's telling me the truth. He's telling me what I'm too afraid to tell myself, what I'm too cowardly to do. In frustration I throw my phone as hard as I can, watching it smash into a million tiny pieces when it comes into contact with a tree stump. 

 

Andy POV.

 

Where is he? I've been waiting at least half an hour, Roberts a lot of things but he is never ever late, no matter what for, he's never late.

This just sparks my concern even more, why's he not here? Has something happened to him? He might've fainted from not eating or he could've had a heart attack, he could be throwing his guts up right now, anything! I try to convince myself I'm just over reacting and that Robert really is fine like he says and he's probably just ill, but I know that's not the case. There's something seriously wrong with him, I'd go as far to say that he has an eating disorder, I'm sure of it. I mean what over explanation is there for the weight loss, the not eating, him being withdrawn and antisocial. There's just no other way around it. He's going to end up killing himself if he carries on like this, for all my know he might not just be anorexic, he could be bulimic, depressed, suicidal, anything and the people he love have no clue what's going on in that messed up head of his. It's not fair, he needs help. I just don't know how to get him it. Robert POV

 

Home farm. That's the reason I came back to this damned village. That stupid business and the even worse family that came along with it. They ruined me. Why I've ended up here I really do not know, maybe I'm going completely insane, ending up places and not knowing how I've got there, it's just weird. A wave of nausea accompanies this thought I have as the salad is starting to have an effect on me. I don't know what to do, I can't throw it back up because it's been too long, but I can't just do nothing about it, it' way too many calories, it's about the amount I should have in one week never mind one bleeding day. How did I even get this bad? Not even being able to stomach half a salad, I must be pretty fucked like.

_Course you're not fucked, you're not even bad you know. You eat more than any normal person should never mind someone who thinks they have an eating disorder, you're just trying to feel sorry for yourself , you're trying to make yourself better because you know how fat you are, you know how disgusting you are don't you?_

Yeah, yeah I do. I'm not even ill am I, I over eat never mind under eat. Andy just says what he does because he thinks I'm an idiot, he wants me to put on even more weight to make a laughing stock out of me like he always does. Well I'm not listening to him, not today, in fact not ever. I hate him, I wish he was fucking dead, I wish I'd killed him instead of Max sometimes I really do, but more often I wish that it was me who had died.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert tries to get his life back on track.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bonjour all.  
> It's been a while.  
> And it's Christmas! So happy chrsitmas everyone and if you don't celebrate then i hope you are having an amazing day;)
> 
> Anyhow, I'm thinking it might be getting close to pulling this fanfic to an end, I'd like to know your opinion on if I should keep it going to maybe 16/17 chapters or end it close to 11 ish. Please comment your opinion if you don't mind, and enjoy the chapter!
> 
> Also just a WARNING - this chapter will contain self harming so just please be aware and be careful x

Home farm. I know my way from here. I can get home, I can go see Aaron and apologise for being such a dick, I can go see Andy and explain that I'm stopping now. I'm getting my life back together. I'm giving it one last try. One more attempt to make it right and if that doesn't work, I'm finished.

God knows where I got the sudden boost of motivation from but it came out of nowhere, before I die I want to know that I tried, I gave it another attempt. I didn't just think oh well my life is shit I'll just jump off the nearest cliff. I want them to know I fought, I tried, and maybe it might actually work..

Before i know it I'm back in the god awful place i call home. Due to pot luck the first person i see is Andy, he's seen me too so I know I've got to do this know. Fuck he's walking towards me..

"Hi Andy"

"Robert where the fuck have you been? I thought you were dead!"

"Me? No no I'm fine.."

"But your not fine, are you.."

Fuck.

"Look, no. No I wasn't fine. You were right, I-I was being an idiot, starving myself in an attempt to loose weight but I've stopped now, and that's a promise. I know I was selfish and stupid but i swear I've stopped, I'm getting my life back on track Andy.."

" Robert I.. I don't know what to say to be honest, do you know how dangerous that stuff is? You could've died!"

He's so overdramatic, I couldn't have died? Does he really think I was that bad, to be honest it was all a bit pathet- no. No Robert remember you've stopped this. You're not like this anymore , clean slate yeah?

 

_But is it really Robert? Is it really a clean slate. You and me both know deep down that isn't true, stupid old Robert will just fuck up agai-_

"Oi Robert, you okay? You look a bit lost."

" Yeah fine, bye Andy " and with that I quickly hurry off as fast as my weak body can carry me. I hear him shouting something at me in the distance but I can't be bothered to listen, I'm so pathetic I mean I'm failing already. 

I find myself back at the pub, I hadn't even realised till now how much I was crying , I'm fucking exhausted and now I've got to deal with this lot. I open the door and try to sneak up the stairs without anyone noticing me, that plan fails within two fucking seconds as Aaron jumps out in front of me blocking my path.. "Robert where have you been? I've been worried sic- oh my god you look like death what happened to you? And why are you crying so much, what's happened?" How many bloody questions does he want to ask, jesus christ all I want to do is go one fucking place without everyone needing to know what's going on in my goddamn life. I just completely ignore the never ending questions and run upstairs and straight into the bathroom locking myself in. I slide down the door onto the cold hard tiles staring blankly at the wall. I manage to block him out, Aaron that is. But I can't block the other one out, that cunt who keeps making my life a living hell. He won't shut up, why won't he shut up?! That wave of nausea hits me again and as an instinct I throw my head over the toilet and jam my fingers down my throat, but nothing happens, nothing comes back up and I'm just sat here fucking choking myself. I miss it, I miss the pain. The burning sensation at the back of my throat, the agonising stomach pains that acompany it.

 

_You know what to do Robert, come on it's simple! You need pain don't you, but you can't get it from throwing up because you haven't ate because you're too fucking fat, but think about it. How do other people hurt themselves..? Other people you know and love.._

 

Razors. I need some razors. I franticly move over to the cupboard and with my trembling hands I look and I look until eventually I find them. I close my eyes and roll up my oversized sleeve and hold it to my skin. Am I really about to do this..? Think of Aaron, he'd kill you if he ever found out. But he won't will he, and with that  clench my teeth and  do it, and then I do it again and again and again until my arm is a pool of blood. I only snap out of it when I hear him shouting.

 

"Robert for fucks sake don't make me break down this bastard door"

 

He can't. He can't see me like this. I roll my sleeve back down, throw everything back in the cupboard apart from the one razor blade I used and I open the door, without even looking at Aaron I walk through to our room and throw on the nearest jacket I can find, not risking Aaron seeing anything. "What the actual fuck Robert..?" "Sorry sorry, just work stuff you know it's alright" "No Robert, no it's not alright. You're not alright, what were you doing in there for so long?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again just if you don't mind could you all please comment as to whether I should keep the fanfic going a couple more chapters or pull it to an end soon.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roberts plan fails drastically.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys thank you so much for the feedback from my last chapter! It's only been up for a day and I've had an amazing response so thank you again I really appreciate it when I know people enjoy my writing and my work ;)
> 
> also due to response from my last chapter, I won't be ending the story in a chapter I will keep it going for a few more, enjoy!

"I-I felt sick" I mean it's not exactly the truth but it's not a lie.

"Right, well what was all that about before, you go missing for a good day and you show up in floods of tears looking like death! How long since you last ate?"

I can't lie to him, not again. "When I went out with Vic and Andy."

"Jesus Rob you must be starving, let me make you something." And with that he practically drags me down the stairs and sits me at the table. I can do this, it's just one meal. Easy. I can feel my sleeve sticking to my blood soaked skin, God it feels awful. In fact it's worse than the pain, the pain doesn't bother me, actually it's kind of comforting. No, no I can't let myself get into another bad habit, I'm already trying to get over one.

"Aaron.."

"Yeah Robert?"

"The first time you.. you hurt yourself, why did you do it, like what snapped in you that made you do that to yourself."

"Um, I mean I'm not really sure, I guess just everything built up over time and suddenly one day I lost it, I thought I deseved it. I thought that I needed to hurt.. why do you want to know anyway, that was a bit out of the blue wasn't it?"

"Oh i was just- just thinking. And um, why- I mean how did you stop?"

"I got proffesional help, it got to the stage where I'd tried to kill myself so. Why do you want to know ths Robert?"

"Just someone I know, he's, he's anorexic, bulimic, and he wanted to feel pain so he cut himself. Also he keeps hearing this voice, someone who keeps telling him how fat and how awful he is, how he's better off dead, how no one loves him and- and I don't know how to help him Aaron.. I don't know what to do"

"He needs help Robert, and I mean proper help. If he doesn't something will happen, probably more likely sooner than later. Eating disorders are dangerous, and if he self harms and is hearing voices for christ sake it's really not good."

"So, you don't think he can get better by himself?"

"No , definitely not."

Great, now the option of telling Aarons off the desk. He must've been over exagerating though, of course I can get myself better. I'm snapped out of my thoughts as Aaron places a a plate full of spaghetti infront of me, if I can make it through this meal then I know I can do this. I can get myself better.

I tried. I really did, I ate the majority of it but keeping it downs the problem. I don't think I can, I'm kneeled down bending over the toilet trying to stop myself, but I give in eventually and push my fingers down the back of my throat.

Aarons POV

I can't help but worry about him sometimes, he spends too much time being there for everybody else but very rarely does he ever take some time to his self. I hear what sounds like someone throwing up and it pulls me out of my thoughts. There's only us in the house, so it must be Robert. He did say he felt sick earlier so- unless before he was talking about himself.. no no he can't of been, he's Robert Sugden for gods sake he's alright. Although he has actually lost a bit of weight lately. I'll ask hi, about it later, it's probably just me over reacting as usual but I can't just ignore it.

I hear the unclicking sound of the toilet door and quickly shut myself in the bedroom, he'll tell me if he's been sick because he's ill or whatever, I know he will. If he doesn't tell me then that just means i have more proof against him. With that I stand up and walk out to him, pretending I haven't heard anything.

"You alright Rob"

"Yeah why wouldn't I be"

"Oh I was just wondering because you said you felt sick earlier so.."

"Ah probably just because I was hungry, I'm good now though"

"Robert.. why have you lost so much weight?"

Robert POV

Fuck.

Fuck fuck fuck.

He knows.

He's going to hate me oh my god.

"I've been trying out a new diet, must be working"

"Oh yeah what diet is this?"

"Um ask- ask.. someone told me about it but I can't remember who"

"Robert don't bullshit me, why did you just throw up your food?"

"What? N-no I didn't, course I didn't"

"Show me your arm."

"Why?"

"Robert just show me your fucking arm"

I'm fucked. He knows. My heart starts beating twice as fast as it should and I can't breathe, I can't fucking breathe. I'm dying, finally. The room starts to spin and I suddenly can't see properly, it's all blurry and- and that's when I collapse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm thinking of starting a Coronation street fanfiction maybe, about Adam and Daniel, would anyone be interested do you think? Let me know.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this is the end guys
> 
> thank u so much for everything over the past two years
> 
> enjoy

Chapter Text  
Faces, that's all I can see when I open my eyes. A bunch of blurry faces.  
Next comes the muffled voices, I can't make out what anyone is saying but I think I can hear Aaron , Vic and maybe Chas? I'm not too sure.  
"Robert, Robert can you hear me? Robert it's Vic." And with that i make a weird groaning sound to make them aware that I can hear the lot of them having a meltdown, but I'm not capable of forming actual words yet.  
After a good minute of lying there I find the strength somehow to perch myself into a sitting position. " I'm fine." I say, even though I'm obviously not or why else would I have collapsed.  
"Fine ? Robert you're not fucking fine you just collapsed for Christs sake !?!" Ah, the angry sound of my loving boyfriend. Looking foward for what he has to say about all of this. I hate all the attention that's on me. Normally I'd kill to be in a situation where everyone was looking at me but not in these circumstances. Grabbing onto both Aaron and Vic for support I pull myself up off the ground.  
"Can you help me to the bedroom , I need to talk to you both but seperatly." They both nod in agreement but neither say anything, and Chas just stands watching , great. Can't wait for her to throw this back in my face some point in the near future.  
I speak to Aaron first.  
"It, it all started with me trying to just loose weight in a healthy way, nothing too extreme just a normal diet you know. Cutting out fatty foods and trying to go to the gym a bit more and it was all okay for a while, but then it started to get out of hand. I started to become way more self consciouss than I've ever been and I started seeing myself as this awful fat mess and i wanted to do something about it. That's when I started to restrict my eating a for a bit. It got progressively worse and worse till i was practically starving myself. That's when the bulimia began, anything I ate just made me feel sick, and eventually the urge to be sick got so bad I had to make it happen myself. Andy started to notice after a while ,he realised I'd lost weight and called me out on it but I convinced him I was okay, because I thought I was. That's when I started to get all snappy and moody. Not long after that I started hearing a voice, I still hear it now, he tellls me to do all these things. He tells me how worthless I am, how nobody even wants me, how I'd be better off dead. He's the one who told me to cut myself as well you know. I wanted to be sick but I couldn't because I hadn't eaten recently so he told me that if I cut myself, then I would feel the same pain as I do when I be sick, I'd get the same release. I think it all got too much and that's why I collapsed." God have I really just done that? He's going to think I'm a nutter that was a bad idea.  
"Robert I.. I'm so sorry you felt like that. But now you need to get help okay? You're not well.."  
" I know, I want help Aaron I do but I don't think he'll let me, he'll talk me out of it somehow but I don't want him to! I want him and just all of this to go away" And that's when i break down into tears and hug him , I hug him and cry into his jumper for what seems like hours on end.  
Vic was next to talk to, and probably the hardest.  
"I, It was just a diet to begin with. Just an innocent attempt to loose weight but it got out of hand, it turned into me starving myself and throwing up the majority of food I ate. Then there was a voice, he hasn't gone away yet. He told me- he told me some awful things. Then there was the self harm and it must've been too much for me to cope with. I'm so sorry Vic." I tried to keep it as brief as possible to reduce how much I hurt her, but it appears what I said still broke her heart as she's now sat in floods of tears sobbing her heart out.  
"R-Robert why didn't you tell me! I could've helped you, why did you let it get this bad you idiot!?"  
" I don't know.. I-But I'm going to get help now I promise you."

 

And I kept that promise.  
Here I am, eight months later, about to marry the man of my dreams. Yes recovery was hard, yes I still have my good days and my bad days but I'm in a hell of a better state mentally and physically then I ever have been before. I know I'm still going to have it rough in the future and one day I might even end up relapsing, i pray to God i won't but who knows. But I made it, and now I'm getting married to the man that saved my life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pleaseee leave a comment if you enjoyed it would be much appreciated


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